I have been struggling to write the next chapter of the dream home series. There are many reasons for it and all of them pile up with many failed plans. And each one of them felt like a kick in the gut. Being on the edge of getting something and seeing this edge growing longer and longer in front of you – and there is nothing you can do about it.
First summer
For some reason, I had this fixed idea in my head that all Dream home series posts have to be positive and full of great progress. Something extra. Maybe even epic? Not sure why. Maybe it’s part of the pressure of the world that when we expose ourselves – share bits about us – it has to be good. But life isn’t always good. And maybe the reason we struggle this much with hardships is that these are always kept behind closed doors and keep up the facade, that life is always good.
The spring and the summer started great – we were uncovering our little treasure and learning the importance of the right gear – feeling like we were living a dream. We had plans and hopes and it felt so real that by the end of the summer we could live there.
The more summer progressed and the more we had on our plate, and the more we got behind, the more the feeling of failing poured over us. And it kept on feeling like the more we tried – the more obstacles were thrown at us. I have had a few hard years and I was really ready for it to go better from now on. I felt I have had enough. I need a break. But it feels like the universe isn’t ready to let me breathe yet. I am still hoping.
Prepping for winter
Prepping for winter is bittersweet because I never thought we were going to do that. I had hopes lingering still to move and be there. But the reality is harsh and ruthless. There are several things needed to do before snow falls – checking the main house roof, and holes and putting up the protestors to keep big rains and snow melting away from the house.
Tearing down the garden and packing in the mini greenhouse, planting the spring flowers to be ready for the new spring. The hard part of it was finding the spot for them. Choosing the place comes with calculating where the flowers could be seen perfectly but at the same time not be on the way. And on top of that, I had to consider the possible construction work and heavy machinery working there without wrecking my flowers. How do people do that? Plan garden layouts?
Accepting or giving up
With everything piling up there were several moments when attempted to give up. And like I hadn’t enough going on there came added pressure from work. Time is ticking ruthlessly and sometimes it feels like the more I got done, the more came up – adulthood whack-a-mole 🙂
It’s attempting to accept that there is nothing you can do to make it better, nothing you can do to get ahead of the curve. It’s exhausting to keep up and even kind of afraid – of where the next hit is going to come. What will happen next and can I handle this?
Making changes
We really need to be more open about all sides of our lives, to be brave enough to share good and bad. Because this fake painting isn’t helping anyone – not us, not others. Shared troubles are easier to carry. Shared troubles can help others to find their way. Though it’s hard and I am still working on myself to open.
I am following and admiring so many people who have already gotten there. Sharing the real selves with all the scars and bruises. You are my heros. And hopefully, I will grow up to be more like you.
